In wanting a better idea of how I am now versus how I was a year ago I wanted to reflect on how I was emotionally a year ago. And yes looking back and seeing that only a year my mindset was so bleak and how alone I felt. I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t like that at all anymore because there are days where I feel incredibly alone. The other side though is that I don’t feel frustrated and hopeless and sad as I was before. Things haven’t really changed in the grand sense but still, I’m looking up.
“I feel disconnected. I don’t know if it’s from people or myself or from the world in general but that is how I feel. I really want to shake these feeling just off and sometimes I think I have but then I’m left to my thoughts for a bit and the feelings just keep coming back. I’m tired of being sad and wanting to cry, it’s not who I am, at least it shouldn’t be. I hate crying it just makes me feel pathetic, but I can’t help it. Now I’m not just continuously sad and disconnected too. Maybe it has always been there but I just realize it now because I am basically always with people, whether I want to be or not. I just want to be happy or excite or hopeful or something positive and good again but I don’t. The more I dwell on it the more think I’m somehow broke and I don’t know how to fix myself.”