I remember this day. I remember how scared I felt and how unbelievably difficult it was for me to write, to even think those words aloud. I mean I could feel them for so long eating me inside but then when I had to actually push the thought out so that it wasn’t just some back minded plague, to have a chance to get rid of that feeling it just felt so painful. The not so great part is that I can still feel it, the regret and the pain I think I will always have it but now it’s not like this choking pain that I buried. It’s not like I can just easily admit the hatred I felt for myself really easily, I barely know how to express my feeling about my dad and its almost been 10 years since he passed away. The difference is that I’m able to express it like I’m doing right now. It’s like I needed to admit it in the real world to actually work through and I guess I’m glad about that part. I guess learning how to express those kinds of feeling within is the best to grow from them.
“I am just going to say this because I can’t pretend it’s not true. I hated myself when my dad died, and if I’m being honest I still hate myself so much.”