I know what I want family to mean to me but that doesn’t mean it’s what I get. I want my family to be more connected if that even makes sense. I mean the only guarantee I feel like I have is that we have each other in serious situations.
I think maybe my biggest issue is that it’s like I have this image of what family should be like, or more accurately what I want mine to be more like, and there are small moments with some of them that I feel like I, we, have it, but overall I look and it’s just not there for me, for us. I feel alone and miserable and I don’t want to be; I just keep thinking that if I have a strong relationship with anyone in my family, I’d feel better, like I’d be less closed off. It’s like I have this feeling where if just had someone to be close with things would be easier. I don’t have a real sibling relationship either and feel like that’s a big thing for me too, like if I had that this whole just me and mom thing wouldn’t be so defining to me. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m saying anymore, I don’t even really think I know how I feel anymore, all I know is that I don’t feel right.