Flashback

Family is an especially fun topic for me because mine feels totally topsy turvy all the time and yet I still love them.

I really want my family. I feel so alone and disconnected lately and it’s like this nagging feeling inside me saying that I just yearn for my family. I’m not even thinking a family anymore, like I use to just think that I would eventually have that feeling out of my future family with my kids and where I have kids and happiness essentially, but I’m starting to think I want something more yet basic. I want my brother and cousins and just those relationship I feel like I need. I don’t know what it is or what I can possibly do to feel like I’m actually in or I guess to feel a part of it. It’s like no matter how hard I try or what I do I always feel on the outside. I don’t I’m just tired of trying and in any other situation in my life I would give up and stop caring so easily and without any thought but it’s like because it’s my family and what I think that should mean I just can’t give up.

Flashback

I felt so broken at that time but considering how I feel in exchange now I’m not as scared to look back. I don’t want to forget about how low felt because I don’t want to fall that far again. I don’t want to corner myself again and be battling alone with just questions. I know how important it is to talk to other people and how important it is to be able to honestly express my emotions, not only to others but to myself.

I really have changed, haven’t I? I use to be an optimist and happy but now I just feel like I’m going up a hill and I just want to get over it. But a problem is that I really don’t know if it’s a mountain or a cliff, I wonder now if there is even a happy part on the other side to look forward to.

Flashback

The fact that emotionally I felt so distant from anyone and everyone now matter what I did or who I was with, even if I loved them and needed them, I just couldn’t connect. The more time I spent with people I loved the more felt alone and I hated and I didn’t want it but I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t know how to explain it. I just blamed myself after some time because well no one else knew or even noticed because I still smiled and left on cue. I felt like no one could care or even worse like I was being paranoid and telling anyone would just burden other people. Now I not only know understand how wrong of me that not; I made myself feel worse and don’t fully understand why I put myself through that so long but I’m glad that I’m growing and learning past it, but I can’t let myself forget.

I feel disconnected. I don’t know if it’s from people or myself or from the world in general but that is how I feel. It really want to shake these feeling just off and sometimes I think I have but then I’m left to my thoughts for a bit and the feelings just keep coming back. I’m tired of being sad and wanting to cry, it’s not how I am at least it shouldn’t be. I hate crying in general, it gives me a headache and makes me tired and sometimes just makes me feel pathetic, but I can’t help it. Now I’m not just continuously sad, I’m disconnected too. Maybe it has always been there but I just realize it now because I am basically always with people, whether I want to be or not. I just want to be happy or excite or hopeful or something positive and good again but I rarely ever do and even when I do it never really lasts.  The more I dwell on it the more think I somehow broke and I don’t know how to fix myself.

Flashback

I remember this day. I remember how scared I felt and how unbelievably difficult it was for me to write, to even think those words aloud. I mean I could feel them for so long eating me inside but then when I had to actually push the thought out so that it wasn’t just some back minded plague, to have a chance to get rid of that feeling it just felt so painful. The not so great part is that I can still feel it, the regret and the pain I think I will always have it but now it’s not like this choking pain that I buried. It’s not like I can just easily admit the hatred I felt for myself really easily, I barely know how to express my feeling about my dad and its almost been 10 years since he passed away. The difference is that I’m able to express it like I’m doing right now. It’s like I needed to admit it in the real world to actually work through and I guess I’m glad about that part. I guess learning how to express those kinds of feeling within is the best to grow from them.

“I am just going to say this because I can’t pretend it’s not true. I hated myself when my dad died, and if I’m being honest I still hate myself so much.”

Flashback

I don’t know if I’m seeming a bit broken record like with these but I was just so lost last year and scared and I don’t want to relive those emotions but I can’t let myself forget them either. I felt like I was drowning and I refused to acknowledge it. And I’m still scared sometimes, especially when I tell someone in my real life about how I feel. But somehow just releasing it into the virtual makes it easier to have the confidence to talk about the things I consider dark and scary. I can’t forget that I’m the person that felt these things, but I don’t want to be the person that feels the need to find it.

“If I am honest I am sad a lot lately and everything is starting to really feel pointless and sometimes hopeless. I don’t feel excited about anything and I am just really tired of everything lately. There are so more back of my mind things but over all these are the biggies, so maybe I should stop thinking of the shame and get thinking about talking to a doctor or someone.”

Flashback

When I reflect on previous journal entries like this I start to remember who alone I felt at the time. Not just in the sense of being by myself but in feeling like no one could understand what I was feeling, mainly because I didn’t understand it. I just so uncomfortable and broken and the more I thought about feeling that way the more I felt alone and stuck. I’m reaching a point where I feel like I’m able to breathe again but at the same time, I think it’s important to remember that there was something going on inside of me that I didn’t understand that I tried to ignore and it was wrong. Bottling up those emotions for so long is what changed my sad into broken and that may always be with me now but at least now that it exists and most importantly, I know I’m not broken.

“I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I feel so confused and confined and yet tired and numb and I don’t know I just. I feel like I’m sad but I don’t know what not feeling the way I do right now feels like anymore. Emotionally my life feels like it’s at a low and I feel like I’m stuck and I keep trying to find ways, or tricks, to get out of it but I can’t. I want there to be a simple fix and I just want to be done with this, I want to be at the part that’s suppose to feel like the beginning of building what will make my life feel like happily ever after not the continues vortex of nothing I’m at right now.”

Flashback

In wanting a better idea of how I am now versus how I was a year ago I wanted to reflect on how I was emotionally a year ago. And yes looking back and seeing that only a year my mindset was so bleak and how alone I felt. I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t like that at all anymore because there are days where I feel incredibly alone. The other side though is that I don’t feel frustrated and hopeless and sad as I was before. Things haven’t really changed in the grand sense but still, I’m looking up.

“I feel disconnected. I don’t know if it’s from people or myself or from the world in general but that is how I feel. I really want to shake these feeling just off and sometimes I think I have but then I’m left to my thoughts for a bit and the feelings just keep coming back. I’m tired of being sad and wanting to cry, it’s not who I am, at least it shouldn’t be. I hate crying it just makes me feel pathetic, but I can’t help it. Now I’m not just continuously sad and disconnected too. Maybe it has always been there but I just realize it now because I am basically always with people, whether I want to be or not. I just want to be happy or excite or hopeful or something positive and good again but I don’t. The more I dwell on it the more think I’m somehow broke and I don’t know how to fix myself.”

Flashback

This is where my head was at a year ago and I blamed myself for being broken and confused and less than what I should be but now I’m learning that I was so wrong. I’m still figuring things out about myself and the things outside of myself but I’m in a good place. I see now that my real flaw is that I bottle things up until they consume me and I am trying so hard to not be that way anymore.

“So I just full on cried and I really don’t know why. I just really had the strong urge to cry and next thing I knew I was seriously crying, and I like rarely ever cry. I just had to cry and part of me still feels like crying but for the moment I’m good, I think. I guess I am kind of sad in a strong, unknown way.”