My Depression

Last year, I was trekking for months, maybe even longer than that, to get a handle on my mental state. I just felt broken and alone and couldn’t understand any of it or anything. And I kept just telling my self to snap out of it, that I was being over dramatic and just needed to get back to normal. 

The scary thought, the one that made me really pause and realize that something was actually wrong and that I not only needed but wanted help or an answer, possibly both. My scariest thought was questioning my revelance in the life of others, in the world at all; I may have not actually questioned my life or had thoughts of hurting myself but I did question if my existence was revelant. And that was the point that I realize that maybe there was something more going on, maybe I really did need help. 

Conquered Fear?

I’m coming to terms with so many things in my life, at least I think I am. I mean I’m putting more of an effort in speaking my mind and stand up for myself and just recognizing things in general. But it took reaching an emotional low to get this point.

Even though I know all this and understand it better I still can’t let all my emotions out to another person. Writing it all out and sending it off to the virtual world is my outlet to get it all out but in the real world with my family and friends I push myself so hard to let out my surface level emotions but still feel the need to hide the dark parts. I told the people I considered my most trusted about my depression and try to talk more about my feelings now but I still can’t show any of them raw and sad parts of me. I’ve tried and I’ll keep trying but for now, this is the only way I can let those feelings be known, anonymously.

Family

I know what I want family to mean to me but that doesn’t mean it’s what I get. I want my family to be more connected if that even makes sense. I mean the only guarantee I feel like I have is that we have each other in serious situations. 

False Hope

I wonder if people that give false hope realize how much more it seems like a lie. I know it’s not always intentionally but that fact doesn’t change how much it hurts sometimes, scratch that because honestly, it hurts every time. Even when I’m prepared for it, when I expect the worst in the hopes that it won’t hurt, it still does.

Now vs. Then

I’m at this point where I am being reflective on who I am and lately I have been thinking about who I was in high school versus who I am in and the things that I feel evolved. The biggest thing is that in an overall sense I feel more confident in who I am. What I mean when I say that is that I use have all these little facts about me that I was ashamed of and kept hidden but now it’s more like I don’t care as much about what the rest of the word thinks. I guess I am realizing now that I don’t want to be accepted by society anymore as much as I just want people to know who I really am and accept it as fact.