My Depression

Last year, I was trekking for months, maybe even longer than that, to get a handle on my mental state. I just felt broken and alone and couldn’t understand any of it or anything. And I kept just telling my self to snap out of it, that I was being over dramatic and just needed to get back to normal. 

The scary thought, the one that made me really pause and realize that something was actually wrong and that I not only needed but wanted help or an answer, possibly both. My scariest thought was questioning my revelance in the life of others, in the world at all; I may have not actually questioned my life or had thoughts of hurting myself but I did question if my existence was revelant. And that was the point that I realize that maybe there was something more going on, maybe I really did need help. 

Conquered Fear?

I’m coming to terms with so many things in my life, at least I think I am. I mean I’m putting more of an effort in speaking my mind and stand up for myself and just recognizing things in general. But it took reaching an emotional low to get this point.

Even though I know all this and understand it better I still can’t let all my emotions out to another person. Writing it all out and sending it off to the virtual world is my outlet to get it all out but in the real world with my family and friends I push myself so hard to let out my surface level emotions but still feel the need to hide the dark parts. I told the people I considered my most trusted about my depression and try to talk more about my feelings now but I still can’t show any of them raw and sad parts of me. I’ve tried and I’ll keep trying but for now, this is the only way I can let those feelings be known, anonymously.

Family

I know what I want family to mean to me but that doesn’t mean it’s what I get. I want my family to be more connected if that even makes sense. I mean the only guarantee I feel like I have is that we have each other in serious situations.

I think maybe my biggest issue is that it’s like I have this image of what family should be like, or more accurately what I want mine to be more like, and there are small moments with some of them that I feel like I, we, have it, but overall I look and it’s just not there for me, for us. I feel alone and miserable and I don’t want to be; I just keep thinking that if I have a strong relationship with anyone in my family, I’d feel better, like I’d be less closed off. It’s like I have this feeling where if just had someone to be close with things would be easier. I don’t have a real sibling relationship either and feel like that’s a big thing for me too, like if I had that this whole just me and mom thing wouldn’t be so defining to me. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m saying anymore, I don’t even really think I know how I feel anymore, all I know is that I don’t feel right.

False Hope

I wonder if people that give false hope realize how much more it seems like a lie. I know it’s not always intentionally but that fact doesn’t change how much it hurts sometimes, scratch that because honestly, it hurts every time. Even when I’m prepared for it, when I expect the worst in the hopes that it won’t hurt, it still does.

Now vs. Then

I’m at this point where I am being reflective on who I am and lately I have been thinking about who I was in high school versus who I am in and the things that I feel evolved. The biggest thing is that in an overall sense I feel more confident in who I am. What I mean when I say that is that I use have all these little facts about me that I was ashamed of and kept hidden but now it’s more like I don’t care as much about what the rest of the word thinks. I guess I am realizing now that I don’t want to be accepted by society anymore as much as I just want people to know who I really am and accept it as fact.

The overall feeling I have is that the person I was in high school was embarrassing because she never put herself out there, never shared her opinions and never really said or did anything. She wasn’t a push over or a punching bag but she wasn’t someone who tried to be involved; she preferred to stay apathetic to situations present before her. The only reason I don’t consider it completely irrelevant is because that high school girl was me and on some level she’s a reason that I can look in mirror and say I’m proud of who I am. 

Poetry

Within the time that I’ve been kind of rediscovering my likes and such I started to gain an interest in poetry. It’s kind of something I never expected or even consider in a sense of connecting with. I mean when I use to think poetry I thought more high school assignment or old time metaphors, I never considered that there would be so much more. It’s really been a great way for me to express myself, I mean I’ve always known that I liked to writing but now I am realizing that there is so much more to it. I just have really enjoyed finding the outlet that it gives me in not only expressing myself but working through what I am feeling.

It has been through writing and poetry especially that I have been able to truly work through my emotions this year. It’s because of these that I was able to get through such a rough emotional path, to work through my depression. Being able to write these things are what helped me open up more to the people in my life and learn to work past my trust issues. Being able to anonymouslyusly share my dark thoughts with the world helped me work them out enough to be able to open up truthfully with my friends and family. Honestly, finding this outlet was the best thing I ever had, in a way it even saved my existence.

Morning Air

I have mentioned before, many times how much I love the evening sky, the soft colors and all plus just this calm feeling that I get when I see it. What I haven’t mentioned before is how much I love the morning air. No matter the season or time, every morning, right at dawn the air is just amazing, maybe even better, just in a different way. It just always feels so crisp and awakening. It’s like there is this moment right before I really wake up, you know on those odd days where I actually rise with the sun, that just always feels clean and refreshing. I still don’t see myself as much of morning person, I swear sometimes I might just sleep away the day, but no one can deny the feeling of dawn.

Flowers

I’ve always browsed past the flowers when I went to the grocery story but lately, it’s been a bit more intense than usual. It’s like every couple of weeks I would buy myself a new bouquet to the point where I decided to just buy myself a potted plant. Now the problem is that well I’m still tempted to buy bouquets. And I mean as much as it’s about how pretty they are and how nice they smell, which they do for both, it’s just kind of feels nice buying flowers for myself, kind of special. The weirdest thing is that I use to kind of be against the whole buying flowers to show your love and appreciation because well at the time it seemed like a waste but lately I kind of get it more. I have received flowers or anything like that recently I just really love getting them for myself. There just these bright and beautiful things that make life seem a little more colourful. Also if you hadn’t realised this is totally random; I feel like normally the stuff I share gets pretty heavy or dark so I just wanted to put something post something more lighthearted and flowers were my answer.