So for what it is worth, I may be a stranger but you read my confessions and problems so if you want to drop yours I’d be fine accepting. Shouldn’t that be part of being human? The fact that we can be there for each other and support each other but most of all listen to each other and try to lend a helping hand.
I have mentioned before, many times how much I love the evening sky, the soft colors and all plus just this calm feeling that I get when I see it. What I haven’t mentioned before is how much I love the morning air. No matter the season or time, every morning, right at dawn the air is just amazing, maybe even better, just in a different way. It just always feels so crisp and awakening. It’s like there is this moment right before I really wake up, you know on those odd days where I actually rise with the sun, that just always feels clean and refreshing. I still don’t see myself as much of morning person, I swear sometimes I might just sleep away the day, but no one can deny the feeling of dawn.
I’ve always browsed past the flowers when I went to the grocery story but lately, it’s been a bit more intense than usual. It’s like every couple of weeks I would buy myself a new bouquet to the point where I decided to just buy myself a potted plant. Now the problem is that well I’m still tempted to buy bouquets. And I mean as much as it’s about how pretty they are and how nice they smell, which they do for both, it’s just kind of feels nice buying flowers for myself, kind of special. The weirdest thing is that I use to kind of be against the whole buying flowers to show your love and appreciation because well at the time it seemed like a waste but lately I kind of get it more. I have received flowers or anything like that recently I just really love getting them for myself. There just these bright and beautiful things that make life seem a little more colourful. Also if you hadn’t realised this is totally random; I feel like normally the stuff I share gets pretty heavy or dark so I just wanted to put something post something more lighthearted and flowers were my answer.
Did I miss the notice about this being Insult Week? Seriously though, this week I felt so self-conscious because it felt like person after person had something to insult. From my brain to my body even my behavior and my appearance, everything felt like it got jabbed at. I’m the first person to know how I’m not perfect but when you hear continuously about your flaws it really starts to bother. And then there’s the notion that adding “I’m only saying it because I care” makes it better like seriously that fact doesn’t do anything for my self-esteem. Like if you find it necessary to list out my flaws than I’m fine with that but would it hurt to add a compliant at some point, I would even accept something as generic as “you’re a good person.”
All that said now you know how it feels when all you do is list a bunch of flaws with an “I care.” It doesn’t help the bruised ego or the self-conscious feeling you get; a small compliment at some point though actually makes the “I care” statement believable, it makes it clearer that you aren’t trying to push someone down, at least I feel that way.
Confession, I find it kind of find saying ‘naked’ aloud, in the context of well being naked, kind of awkward. And I might seem confident about it right now because well I’m writing about it but the reality is that I use a softer voice everytime I’m saying ‘naked.’ I really don’t know why I mean being naked isn’t something that should be shameful. We are all born naked, and when we bathe we’re naked, heck under our clothes we’re all naked; so why does it feel awkward to say or talk about. Maybe it’s the vulnerability that I associate with being naked or maybe society is just too censored when it comes to talking about sex and being naked and all that stuff or maybe I’m just a super prude, who is still a little awkward when it comes to the whole intimacy. Either way, I can’t help it right now, but someday that will change, probably.
I’ve felt so sure and confident about myself lately that I tricked myself out of remembering one of my own problems. See I have been so focused on not letting myself fall back into a sad pit which made me rediscover what I like and stuff but in turn made me avoid what I need to do and what I am terrified of doing. I’m still so scared the only difference is that now I think it’s the slightly more common I’m scared of the future type. I use to be afraid of just feeling, but now I’m good with who I am and I’ve come to better terms with everything I think it’s time to go back to fully being in the real world. For me, that means fully diving back into my science degree and working towards a career in health care which is my dream, but I’m scared. I don’t even now what I am scared of I just, I know I have this intense feeling that is keeping me from trying again. I guess I’m just really scared of being the way I was last year. I was in a dark place and it was hard to accept and I know it wasn’t school because that is a huge part of who I am but if I checked out for too long, what if I can’t get it back. What am I suppose to do then, I need school for a chance at a life I have dreamed of since I was 11, maybe even longer. I just don’t want to lose my dream because I failed.
Truth be told I am a total romantic, in the sense of being interested in romance; not very confident that I could pull off a romantic gesture, I’m not even sure if I would react well to one, but still. It’s just those romantic moments are like realities version of magic. I should better explain, but I don’t really know exactly how to. I guess it’s just the whole thing of love that seems magical to me, like the emotions and the trust and just those moments were someone bares their soul essential just to share how they feel with someone. What’s more beautiful and magical than that?
Yeah, there isn’t some spectacle that gets created at its core but there is so much more to it than that. Just being able to find that connection with someone and share those feelings it makes you believe in things like true love and with that I think comes the ideas of fate and cosmic destiny, I mean I am being a bit dramatic right now and I’m pretty sure that’s going to continue but still I can’t help it. I just started to realize how much I love it all, love and romance and started to embrace and dissect the concepts and yeah now I’m here.